A phone call early one morning from a thousand kilometres away delivers news your father has had a stroke. You can hear a mixture of fear and hope in your mother’s voice as she says he’s in the hospital, but seems himself again. She assures you there’s no need to fly down; that your sister who lives nearby is on her way. You spend the next two days staring at the phone, waiting for news and imagining a plethora of outcomes.
This scenario plays out in homes all over the country on a regular basis, but when it happens to us, we somehow feel caught off guard and surprised. We shouldn’t be. No matter how well our aging parents look after their health, they cannot live forever. The human body just isn’t built to last without gradual, or sometimes dramatic, sudden decline.
The focus on making sure an elderly parent who suffers a stroke, heart attack or other catastrophic event receives the best possible care, is our first priority. Comforting our other parent and providing assistance and support comes next.
What we don’t often take into account is how to handle the rush of emotion that hits us as adult children.
Everything from questioning why we live far apart to feelings of guilt at not spending more time with them, can run through our heads. We might accuse ourselves of not being a good enough son or daughter and dredge up regret for incidents and missed opportunities from years gone by. Waiting for news is painful and an exercise in regret, anxiety, anticipation and dread.
At times like this it’s important to remember a few things. First, it’s inevitable that somehow, someday our parents will leave us. The emotion we feel perhaps come from realizing once our parents are gone, we won’t have the chance to resolve old misunderstandings or strengthen relationships. We will miss them. The passing of a parent also signals our own move along the continuum of life, much as the birth of a first grandchild does. Suddenly, we find ourselves one step further down the path ourselves. With this can come fear and imagined scenes of how one day, we may find ourselves in the same situation.
While we can’t change our mortality, we can take a look at how to delay health issues by incorporating changes that might ward off premature problems. We can also consider how precious each of our relationships is and decide to make more of an effort to reach out. We can’t eliminate the inevitable, but we can develop plans of how to best deal with any other emergency. This means having a conversation with parents and siblings, which can be a challenge if family ties are not strong. Do your best and keep in mind your goal is to do what’s most useful for your parents, not necessarily what is most convenient.
It helps to talk about these things with someone who is familiar with them. You might get some great ideas or relief knowing you’re not alone. There are counselors who can offer support and guidance as you deal with what can be one of the most difficult times a child ever faces.
I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a « living » is not the same thing as making a « life. » I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
– Maya Angelou