This story about our internal struggles is of unknown origin, but is frequently attributed to Native Americans:
“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is angry, arrogant, resentful, self important and controlling. The other is patient, kind, generous of spirit and benevolent. This same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
His grandfather replied, “The one you feed.”
How true. When we carry grudges and ill feelings and don’t let them go, it’s as if we keep them alive by feeding them. The problem is that we are feeding them a part of ourselves – our time, our energy, and our thoughts become devoted to preserving the memory of a past hurt, real or imagined.
Some people say carrying resentment against someone is like drinking poison, then expecting the other person to die. It’s a poison emotion that eats away at our peace of mind, mental well-being, and ability to relate well to others. Resentment is a lack of forgiveness and a lack of acceptance. It says volumes about the person who resents, but very little about the person, situation or actions that are the focus of the ill feelings. This is because the target of a resentment might be totally unaware they have offended you. And even if they do, chances are they’re not losing as much sleep over it as you are. In other words, it’s a self inflicted condition that grows larger and more solidified every time we replay the offending situation in our mind.
If you find yourself preoccupied with revisiting an incident, conversation, or past occasion – anything that didn’t go as you expected – stop and take a closer look. Perhaps you were passed over for a promotion (again) even though you work twice as hard as the chosen candidate. Or your supervisor criticized your work. Maybe someone was rude or gossiped about you. These are all actions, opinions or reflections of other people’s personalities or abilities, yet we allow them to cause us to become resentful.
In other words, we are not in control of how other people act or what they say. Letting our perceptions of their intent build into a cloud of resentment is never healthy. The next time you hear your resentment wolf growl, try feeding the other one, and accept you are not in charge of what others think, do or say, and let it go.
Hanging on to resentment is like letting someone live rent-free in your head.
– Ann Landers