Last week, we identified two possible sources of conflict at work: disagreement with decisions, goals and plans, and conflict between people. As in private life, conflict in organizations is a normal dimension of human interaction. The challenge is how to deal with it in a constructive way so that it becomes a source of positive change and growth. Sound impossible? We don’t think so. There are steps we can take to minimize the negative aspects of conflict, and use the experience to learn and develop.
There are three critical aspects to any conflict:
Emotion – how we feel
Content – issues and facts
Process – how we talk to one another
Understanding them helps keep things in perspective and centres us in a place where we can better control the outcome of the conflict.
Emotion
When we’re faced with conflict, our brains automatically go into threat mode. This triggers a number of physiological reactions in our body. The lymphatic system releases and circulates powerful chemicals that alert us to any threat (perceived or real) and our instinct is one of fight or flight. This is why we feel a rush of anger, say things without thinking, or want to leave the building and disengage from the confrontation. Part of the emotional aspect of conflict also occurs when we feel we are not being heard, or our opinions don’t matter. We strive to protect our sense of self (ego) and the result can be an outburst, angry words, or destructive comments.
When we take the time to let the initial fight or flight rush pass, we find ourselves calmer, more clear-headed and able to think things through without losing it. There’s nothing wrong with listening to another point of view, then saying, “You’ve given me a lot to think about. I need a few minutes/some time to process it all. Can we meet later today to discuss this?”
Before speaking, practice asking yourself if what you are about to say will add to the discussion, or escalate emotions and tension.
Content
It’s imperative in a conflict resolution to deal with facts, and not perception. Why? Because we all see things from our own perspective. Perception is defined as “a way of regarding, understanding or interpreting something.” It is fundamentally individual to each person. We develop perceptions based on our assumptions, expectations, experience and history – and these differ for everyone.
Try saying, “I covered for you three times this week and I’m falling behind with my own work, so I’m sorry I won’t be able to step in again right now,” versus “I can’t keep covering for you all the time; it’s not fair.” The first approach focuses on facts, makes your position clear, is nonjudgmental, and more objective.
Focusing on the present and future when dealing with conflict also helps resolve a situation, Dredging up the past, especially when discussing issues that should have been addressed but never were, is futile and only adds to the conflict. “You’ve been late for every meeting for as long as I can remember,” will give the defendant cause to argue his case, and is an emotional response to the irritation you feel about this behaviour. Clearly stating the facts and your expectation will get better results: “Our meetings start promptly at 9 a.m. and late arrivals are disruptive. I need you to be here on time from now on.”
Process
Process is how we treat each other in the midst of conflict, handle the situation, and the value you give to conflict resolution. Think of process as A-E-I-O-U and sometimes Y:
Accept
Recognize there is a difference of opinion and the other person is entitled to see things from their own perspective. A battle of wills is rarely productive and the more you force your viewpoint on someone else, the more the conflict will escalate.
Engage
Don’t throw up your hands in exasperation. Genuinely engage in the process of finding a solution. Walking away from conflict doesn’t make it disappear. You can, however, diffuse the situation by temporarily removing yourself from any chaos. This can be done by simply saying. “I feel this discussion is getting heated right now. Let’s take a five minute break to clear our heads and then reconvene to work out our next steps.”
Interest
Listen and allow the other person to speak their viewpoint. Be interested in what they have to say, as the answer to an issue could be embedded in their comments. If you are determined your opinion is the only one that matters, and are not interested in what the other person thinks, you can be sure conflict will be your constant companion.
Open
Be open to new ideas and different approaches. Just because “we’ve always done it this way,” doesn’t mean we should continue. Welcome fresh perspectives and ideas.
Understand
Understand, if you’re on the receiving end of a criticism, that although you might disagree on the extent of the problem, there is likely some truth in what you are being told. Listen and absorb, and then focus on facts, not an emotional response.
Yes
Yes, you may need to agree to try something new or concede the other person is right. This is a mature way of being, and works best when you don’t keep referring to the past once a decision has been made. Move forward.