Dear Allan,
I find myself in an awkward situation. One of my coworkers comes to me with all his problems and issues. He also has comments and opinions on every subject and frankly, just never stops talking. I see that other colleagues avoid him because of this, but I don’t have the heart (or skill) to cut him off. At first I was happy to listen and help, but now I’ve become his go-to person and I’m starting to dread hearing his “do you have a minute?” rhetorical question.
How can I handle this without insulting him? I need some suggestions.
– No More Minutes
Dear No More Minutes,
Sooner or later, many of us will work with someone who seems to need lots of emotional support. They stop by regularly to download their troubles, seek reinforcement or express their opinions. Often people who talk non-stop about their issues are looking for confirmation of their own worth.
It can be flattering to be considered a source of support, but it’s also exhausting after a while. When you see that no matter what advice you give, or how much you listen, your colleague has become dependent on you as an audience, try one of these responses:
Limit your listening time
Respond positively the next time your coworker approaches you, and say you have two minutes to spare as you’re taking a quick break. Before they launch into the story of the day, mention that you really do have to get back to work in a couple of minutes, but are free to listen right now.
When two minutes is up, stand and move away from your desk. Say you wish you had more time, but don’t right now. If they keep talking, confirm you really need to get back to work and perhaps you can talk again later. Smile, break eye contact and refocus.
Don’t drop everything
If you are in the middle of something, don’t let the other person interrupt your train of thought. Be honest and say you are on a roll with your project and this just isn’t the best time to talk. Suggest a get-together later on. If the other person is used to you dropping everything whenever they come by, this tactic will take a bit of practice, but with persistence, it works. The benefit is that by the time “later on” comes around, they might have found someone else to listen, and won’t need you after all.
Know the difference
Empathy and compassion for others is a marvelous trait. Recognize the difference, however, between someone who genuinely needs an occasional listening ear and the person who consistently wants you to take on their burdens – real or imagined.
If you suspect your good nature is being abused, ask to speak with them about something important. Choose a neutral ground such as over coffee, after work or in a private meeting space. Start by saying your concentration level is starting to become a problem for you. Tell him that when you’re at work you need to focus and that stopping to chat too often is causing you to get off track. Say you appreciate his opinion on work matters, but you’d like to save other subjects for after hours or at lunch. Emphasize again that your concentration is suffering and you need his help. You can also say that sometimes you feel out of your depth when he shares personal problems and don’t feel comfortable with it. Be kind, but honest.
Remember, no one can take advantage of you without your permission. Setting boundaries is a healthy practice.
– Allan
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